Truss the bird. Rub the chicken inside and out with olive oil, then coat generously with the dry rub. Stuff the cavity with the lemon halves, garlic and herbs. Tie the legs together and pin the wings against the body with kitchen twine — a tight, compact shape is essential for an even spin on the spit.

Load the spit. Thread the chicken lengthwise onto the rotisserie rod of the Rotisserie Large, centring it carefully, and lock it in place with the forks on both sides. Spin the rod by hand to check the balance — a lopsided bird wobbles instead of turning smoothly, and that means uneven cooking.

Fire up The Bastard. Set up the kamado for indirect heat at 180–200°C. Place a drip pan filled with a splash of water directly under where the chicken will hang, catching the fat and juices instead of letting them hit the coals.

Mount and spin. Fit the rod into the Rotisserie Large and switch on the motor. This is where the rotisserie earns its place: the constant, even rotation continuously bastes the chicken in its own rendering fat, giving noticeably juicier meat than a bird left static on the grate.

Bastard tip: toss a handful of apple or cherry wood chips onto the coals right before you mount the chicken — the smoke clings evenly to the skin as it turns.

Let it run. Close the lid and leave the chicken to cook for 70–90 minutes. There's nothing to do here — that's the whole point of cooking it this way.

Check the temperature. From the 60-minute mark, check the internal temperature regularly in the thickest part of the breast and thigh, avoiding the bone. The chicken is done at 74°C in the breast and 80°C in the thigh.

Rest and carve. Remove from the spit and rest for 10 minutes under foil before carving, so the juices redistribute through the meat instead of ending up on the board.

Bastard tip: don't throw away the drippings in the pan. Whisk in a knob of butter and a squeeze of lemon for an instant jus.